Dear Mack, I’m Seriously Beginning to Think There is Something Deeply Cursed About This Time of Year

I’m seriously beginning to think there is something deeply cursed about this time of year. Specifically the period between mid-September throughout all of October. I’m not sure what it is, but the past week has kicked me in the crotch so hard, I’m afraid I’m gonna fly all the way up to Jupiter or something. (No, that wasn’t a reference to my 2019 hit single jupiter. Shut up. Ok fine maybe it was a little.) My Septembers and Octobers have generally sucked over the past four years (2021, 2022, 2023, and hey! Keeping up tradition with 2024!) and I was just wondering when my Septembers and Octobers would stop sucking. Not asking you directly necessarily, but just a general pondering. I know I’m tough but I can only take so much!!! But at the same time, if nothing ever happened to me, you know for a fact I’d be complaining nonstop about how bored I am and wish something would just happen. So I guess there’s really no winning in my mind. There’s always gotta be something.

There’s a Phoebe lyric that pretty much sums up the mindset I’ve kept over the past couple years whenever September and October roll around: I get this feeling whenever I feel good, it’ll be the last time—but don’t get me wrong, I love autumn. I’m literally that insufferable person that’ll feel a slight breeze and considers it the greenlight to finally don all of my cozy grandpa sweaters. But autumn is this weird transitional period between summer and winter, and at least in Northern California (I know you know this but the people need to understand), it’s still going back and forth like a pendulum between hot and cold weather until about November-ish. That’s why I love winter the most, because 1) it’s not hot at all and my least favorite thing in the world is sweating (I already run warm to begin with), and 2) it’s when the weather has settled into being cold all the time and is no longer indecisive on what season it wants to be. I also just connect it to the holidays and winter break; my favorite time of year. All this to say, the past couple months have had their moments, but they’ve definitely put me through the wringer in their own ways. I saw this TikTok that I related to a little too hard—I don’t have the actual video, just a screenshot, so I’ll include it here:

I guess I find a little comfort in knowing I’m not the only one who has a plot twist occur around this time of year. BUT. I’m an optimist though, so I have hope that things will start to look up soon. After the worst thing in the world happens, the best things happen right after. I have a feeling it’ll happen for me again.

I know all I ever talk about anymore is school BUT I’m making a lot of progress on the essays for my master’s comp exam!!! There’s still a lot to be done and I’m honestly feeling the pressure now, but the more I write and revise, the better I feel. We’ll get there eventually—I’m trying to get these all done before you come to visit but I can’t make any promises…I am doing my best though!!! All that aside, I’m so excited to see you because it’s been way too long. After living within a 10 minute drive of each other for forever and hanging out all the time, living states away from you now feels like a form of very, very cruel punishment. But I’m going to see you soon, so balance will soon be restored.

In your last letter, you asked me which band or singer I would go see if I could go back in time to when they were just starting out and still playing smaller venues. It’s actually very timely that you ask this, because I was just thinking something along the lines of this, especially in light of Liam Payne’s passing last week. I never got to see One Direction live during their five year run, and when they broke up, I was devastated, but always held out hope that I might be able to see them in the future during some sort of reunion tour. I didn’t really go to concerts at all throughout my childhood—my first concert ever was 5SOS in 2016 when I was fifteen, tickets gifted to me by my parents that Christmas. It changed my life, and I decided that I needed to go see more artists I loved. So, once I got my first part-time job at seventeen and began making my own money to spend, I started going to more and more shows. I decided to make a list of my top artists/bands of all time and see all of them at least once in my life:

★ Taylor Swift

★ Phoebe Bridgers

★ Lorde

★ 5SOS

★ One Direction

And of course, I’d go to a few little local shows here and there with you (I think about that Carpool Tunnel show in Berkeley a lot), along with other concerts with my siblings and other friends. But after seeing Taylor at The Eras Tour last year in Santa Clara with my sisters (which was just about the most girlhood-encapsulating experience of all time, getting to hear songs I grew up with and songs of hers released more recently that I hold so much love for—with the very girls I grew up loving them with), I’d only had one more left on the list to cross off: 1D. I figured nothing would realistically happen until I was old and settled into my adult life—maybe I’d be married and have a couple kids by the time the guys decided to get back together and make some money by capitalizing on nostalgia. And I’d eat up every second of it. But now that one of them is gone and isn’t ever coming back, it’s just never going to happen. Omg. Sorry to bring the mood down. This is so depressing. But, this extremely long winded answer to your simple question all leads to this: if I could go back in time and see one artist or band during the earlier stages of their career, I’d probably see One Direction. I’d do anything to actually make that a reality…it’s 2024! Almost 2025! Let’s get a time machine up in here!!!

(me crying watching all the 1d music videos the day after liam passed and feeling like a core island was crumbling and crashing down in my brain)

By the time this letter goes live, it’ll have been ten days since the one year anniversary of my EP, what I have to say. I know I released a song within the last 3 months (heyyyy running in circles) but I’ve still been getting the music-release-bug despite me not having practically any time at all to make music recently. I have a few things in the works right now that were always a part of the release plan that I can’t exactly tell the internet about, but I also did just make the last-minute decision to release a certain something for sure later this year. Mack, text me about it and I’ll tell you everything but The People cannot know. At least not yet!!! But I’m really excited about it and I think you will be, too!!! I recorded something really quickly yesterday for it and I’m excited to work on it more once this freaking comp exam is over. I can’t wait to have time to make music again. Actually, scratch that, I can’t wait to have time, period. But it’s all gonna happen. And I am so excited. There’s just such a rush I get from making music I 100% believe and am so proud of, and I’m so grateful to have a little fanbase that supports me in whatever direction I decide to take musically. GAAHHHHHH.

I went to see a Porter Robinson concert on Friday with my siblings—they’re all really the true fans of his music, although I do know a few songs of his. I don’t typically listen to the genre he makes—primarily electronic dance pop music, but I honestly had a great time because I just love jumping around and having fun. I did, however, recognize a bunch of songs because of my siblings’ influence (particularly my brother), so I didn’t stick out like a sore thumb or anything. My favorite song of his is “Blossom” but he didn’t play it. It’s fine though, because he played “Easier to Love You”, my favorite off his newer album that he’s touring for. It’s funny because those are the least like the rest of his discography. What can I say—I love a somber tune. (You know this.) This concert was pretty special because this was apparently his version of the Eras Tour—which my siblings were very happy about, not having had the chance to see any of his other tours before this—and also because one of my good friends in the music world, Margot, is his currently on tour with him singing and playing bass. She practically sings half of the entire show and I didn’t know that was going to happen—I figured she’d just do some harmonies here and there while she laid it down on the bass, but she had so many moments where it was just her and her beautiful voice and I feel so lucky and proud of her to have seen it. I love having cool friends!!!

(i took this on my digital camera super duper zoomed in because we just had lawn tickets and we were really far from the stage but it’s ok we had front row seating to the big screen on the lawn of the entire thing)

I have no idea what I want to be for Halloween. I don’t have any huge plans either, unless you consider staying home and handing out candy to children huge plans. I wanted to join my siblings in their Pokémon themed costumes but I don’t really have anything I can do for that. I might just find a really niche internet reference or meme to recreate for a funny photo. But I also can’t think of anything for that. I thought of being Maya from PEN15 because I have the same Care Bears hoodie as her but I also don’t really wanna know how I’d look in a bowl cut.

ALSO how could I forget to mention that I finally finished watching all of How I Met Your Mother…and I am still so angry about that finale. I found out there was an alternate ending they released with a box set of the entire show or something and I found it on YouTube and I’m pretending that’s the real ending. I also kinda felt like this with the New Girl ending, but I was less angry about that one and more upset with how weak it felt as a conclusion to such a good show. For HIMYM, I felt BETRAYED and DUPED. Television sitcom finales be normal challenge (IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!!). I love the show though. I just hate the way it ended. It’s not real in my mind! I am sticking my index fingers in my ears and going lalalalala!!!

I’m sure you’ve heard but there was a Timothée Chalamet lookalike contest in New York and the dude himself actually showed up to it. One of my friends and I were joking around talking about it saying we should’ve shown up so we could find our husbands. But then I said something genius:

That being said…I’m curious as to which celebrity or public figure YOU would host a lookalike contest for. I have so many. Literally soooooo many. But if I had to narrow it down to just a few: Jack Schlossberg (as seen above), Andrew Garfield (duh), Dev Patel (also duh), and Luke Hemmings (duh for a third time).

ANYWAY I LOVE YOU!!! SEE YOU SUPER SOON!!!

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